Christmas

When I was younger, I'd start anticipating Christmas once October hit. Well, Christmas Longing really came on in November, but October always reminded me: "Christmas is not all that far off! Only a few months!" Now I'm daydreaming about Christmas for another reason.

It's not that I'm not enjoying myself here, because I am. For some reason, though, with every passing day I think "Only 3 months left. Only 2 months, 3 weeks, and a few days left." I know it's horrible. I should be enjoying myself so much that the days just fly past.
Maybe this place just hasn't become normal yet. It feels wrong. Every experience is tinted with the knowledge that I won't be returning home when it's over. I'm just going to the place that's acting as a poor intermediary. And as spoiled and ridiculous as this sounds, having room mates puts me on edge. It's turned the place that should be my sanctuary into a place where I'm constantly worried I'm stepping on someone else's toes. That does not make things any easier.

I wonder sometimes if I would feel better if I had gone to Dublin with Quinn. So many of my worries wouldn't be worries if I had one person who made me feel connected to home and Vassar. Because it's just me in this country, where everything is confusing. It's just me, and I hate being so alone.

So that's why I'm looking forward to Christmas. I can just imagine how much relief I'll feel on December 20th when I can finally go home.

ps. Nobody be worried about me! Well, maybe a bit, but I'm really fine. Just hit a low spot.